megp asked:


Also, whats up with parents allowing their 15 year olds to dress so ******? Always cleavage!And putting on so much make up? I am only 27 and when I was 16 my Dad will have killed me if I dressed that way.

Have you heard the expression: “A parent is only as happy as her unhappiest child?” That sentiment has rung true for parents many times, as unfortunate as that is. A child suffering from a failed attempt at something he cared about, a social rebuff that caused hurt feelings, facing a challenge that generated fear of failure…yes, parents feel their children’s pain many times, and very intensely.

But sometimes a parent’s identification with his/her child is over the top. Sometimes parents become overly involved in their kids’ fights and feel the need to rescue them. Parents need to become aware that in this process we can inadvertently increase our child’s stress and pain.

As a generation, I believe we baby-boomers are great parents. We’re engaged, involved, attentive and informed. We acknowledge the importance of self-esteem, we support our kids’ involvement in extra curricular activities from an early age, we value education and help our kids develop their unique skills…but we sometimes let those good intentions run amok. Strengths become weaknesses when taken to the extreme… parents need to remember that.

I recently had a middle school principal tell me he has “a parent problem. When did it happen that parents won’t let go?” he wondered aloud. “When did our generation decide that we have to fight our children’s battles for them? Why can’t parents today let go?”

He has put his finger on the issue, because it is a question of when to let go.

Resilience is a quality parents will tell you they want to help teach their kids. Yet parents who rush in to help their kids win every battle and make every team are denying their kids the ability to develop resilience. No parent likes to see his child in pain and that may be the heart of the problem.

Michael Thompson, Ph. D., in his book The Pressured Child points out that what drives this over-protection of teens is that parents are uncomfortable when they feel helpless. There are times kids face challenges that create unwanted outcomes that parents can’t change, and the resulting sense of helplessness sometimes makes parents so uncomfortable they take action – even if it makes things worse. Rushing in to protect and defend a teenager who is denied a place on the team or a coveted position can actually dis-empower a child, communicating that he isn’t good enough to defend himself or compete effectively. It’s actually a selfish and self-centered move on the parent’s part. Thompson states “…A child can always feel when the parent is treating her own sense of helplessness rather than addressing the child’s pain.”

So we do have a “parent problem,” and despite best intentions, one that can cause our children undue and undeserved pain.

Teaching our children resilience requires restraint at times. Kids learn from trial and error… they will survive a failure and get up to try again another day if they learn that failure is tolerated in their family. Tasting failure prepares them with a realistic and flexible attitude, and teaches lessons that, for some, may be as important as tasting success.

Parents of teenagers can find an appropriate and helpful stance by viewing themselves as mentors, or coaches, providing assistance and supporting kids’ efforts while not taking over for them. Taking failed efforts in stride, modeling behavior that demonstrates an honest effort is worthwhile regardless of the outcome – these are the important lessons parents much teach teenagers.

It’s about empowerment, valuable life lessons, resilience, and unconditional love.

©2005 Sue Blaney

By: Sue Blaney

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comet girl…DUCK! asked:


Please state whether you are a teenager or an adult.

No, I’m not asking this so I can parent my teens. I’m just curious what your opinions are.

The thought of parenting a teenager today is enough to make some people think that maybe they don’t want children at all. Parenting teens is often filled with turmoil and stress. While very few parents will truthfully say that there was no strife while raising their teenager there are ‘tricks’ to making this time of life a wonderful adventure.

The first thing a parent needs to recognize is that the focus for teen parenting is different than raising a child. The child needs to learn the basics, so to speak, the ‘how to’ of life: reading, social skills and such. They need to learn how to become independent while conforming to a group. Teens are learning their values in life, who they want to be as a person. The only way for them to do this is to question what they know and compare it to all they see and hear in school and the community as they venture out more and more on their own.

Parenting, then, becomes a fine line to walk between letting the teen make decisions that can affect the rest of his life and establishing and maintaining guidelines as they make those choices. This is no easy feat. The parents need to evaluate the guidelines to determine whether they are in place for the teen’s sake or for their own needs. Parenting the child means having total control over all of the child’s aspects of life. Parenting the teenager means letting go of that control. This in itself is scary for many parents.

The key to parenting the teenager is recognizing that while there will be conflict; it does not have to be destructive. There are many things the parent can do that will allow the teen the freedom she needs while still preserving the boundaries and values that will keep her protected.

First and foremost is a combination of unconditional love and communication. The teen needs to always believe that he can come to you no matter what. This only comes by the constant reinforcement that the parents provide as they deal with situations that arise during the pre-teen years. If the teen knows that while there will be consequences for his choices he will not have to worry about so disappointing his parents that he will lose their love or respect. There are many parenting courses, books, videos and magazines that will help the parent establish and keep open the lines of communication with their teen.

The parents of teens need also remember that despite what their teen may say, they one of the greatest influences in their teens life. It is therefore absolutely necessary that the parents spend as much time as possible with their teen. It is easy today, with so many parents and teens’ schedules being filled with jobs and social activities for families to spend little time together. So many teens today have their licenses that the time spent together driving to and from these activities is lost. So be certain to spend quality time with the teenager listening to what she has to say. Don’t react with shock or disapproval at the things they say. Instead ask them how they feel and why. Parents need to help the teenager evaluate what the consequences in the future might be from the choices they make. Parents also need to share their own values and why they feel the way they do during these conversations.

So parent of a teenager do not despair. Rather that dreading this time in your child’s life, remember that your job as her parent is to prepare her for life on her own. There is no greater reward than that.

By: Robin Welch

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Js asked:


im 14 and i still have tiny gaps in my front teeth, both my parent s hav straight teeth is it only a matter of time?

Enlightened asked:


That is if you were not born from Muslim parents, and being exposed to different religions and culture, would you still want to be a Muslim and practice it? Why or why not?

Kates asked:


what i mean is i am seeing it with a friend and my parents. i know they curse and MENTION sex and drugs, but is anything very explicit? like is there anything my parents or myself will cringe at knowing we are sitting next to another? please help! thank you
idt there is a **** scene….?

Joanna S asked:


This is not a legality question. I’m not asking whether or not it should be illegal to force a kid to cut their hair. I’m just asking if it’s good parenting not letting your 16 year old son grow his hair out.

Cleverfella asked:


It seems that a lot of us coming out of university with a bachelor’s degree or even higher and are stuck without a job because companies refuse to hire graduates because of their lack of experience. So imagine spending tens of thousands of dollars to get a piece of paper, and then being told your piece of paper is useless because you only got theoretical knowledge and no practical knowledge that comes from experience. It ***** that we have to remain dependent on our parents because we have lost money through undervalued education and are now in debt.
Predator: I was not speaking for myself as I am in a different situation, I was speaking in general for people that around my age.

Do you have a teenager who is begging for more freedom? Are you uncertain how much freedom is too much during the teen years? Parenting teenagers requires a parent to walk a fine line between boundaries and letting go. Out of four children, I am currently parenting my third teenager and I’d like to share some simple guidelines that will soothe your parental anxieties and help your home life be calmer.

– Know your teen.

It’s easy to say everyone is different; it’s more difficult to describe, in detail, those differences. You will find parenting teenagers less-stressful and your teen will respond better to you if you spend serious time knowing your teenager.

Yes, this is called relationship and it’s spelled T-I-M-E. There’s nothing new here. But are you doing this? Are you building the relationship with your teenager that will last a lifetime? Here’s a little test: think of your two best friends. Calculate how much time you spend weekly with each, whether in person, on the phone, or online. How does that amount of time stack up with what you give your teen?

Another worthwhile relationship test is to think about who knows you the best in the whole world. Who would you trust to go to when you have a problem? You want your teen to think of you in this way. If you’re not there, start building that today.

– Acquiring freedom is a process. Not an event.

Once you feel you have an accurate understanding of your teen, you can measure his or her maturity levels. This will tell you a lot about the amount of freedom your young adult is ready for. If the maturity level is still young, give limited freedom. Be intentional about helping your teenager grow appropriately and add the desired freedoms at each level.

– Practice. Learn from failures. Repeat.

That’s the simple formula for parenting teenagers into the adult world. It’s the way we all grow and develop. Be your teen’s mentor for this process (as opposed to being their best friend). Support and encourage them; go over where they failed and together strategize on new solutions they can try.

– Look ahead.

In our home, we look to the future and project, approximately, when our teenagers are going to be leaving home. For us, usually that’s college age. They need to be able to handle a considerable amount of freedom (be pretty much independent) by the time they leave home. Then we work backwards and start looking for ways to grow them into that much freedom step by step.

Since all teenagers are different, we’ve needed to be flexible in the ‘how’ not the ‘what’. We’ve had one teen who was always ahead of the process. He wanted total freedom upfront. So we established boundaries (guidelines) he had to meet to EARN the freedoms he eagerly wanted, one at a time. As he displayed the responsibility necessary to achieve those guidelines, we rewarded him with more freedom and explained the new boundaries at each level.

Another of our teens needed coaxing to move forward. So we looked for strategies that would increase his self-confidence and cause him to look forward with excitement. Again, boundaries were discussed and implemented. He blossomed quickly when he discovered he was in charge of his own future. We were simply there to support, guide and provide a safety net (plus a whole lot of cheerleading).

Parenting teenagers is an exciting thrill ride that can be highly satisfying as you watch your young adult mature and be ready to face the world. As a parent you are building the future in vital ways through your influence in your teen’s life. As you stand up to that honorable challenge, your teen will respond to your leadership.

That’s when you realize you truly have built a wonderful relationship with your teenager.

By: Colleen Langenfeld

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