It can be hard being a parent with a teen going through what I term the ‘I’m Invincible’ phase. This is the phase when teens start doing scary and dangerous things (according to us parents) as a way of testing out their physical limits.

This is not surprising given that, at adolescence, teenagers are effectively given a ‘new’ body, one which has many improved features from that of their childhood body. It’s no good as parents thinking we can tell them about the limits of this body; just as a toddler needs to work out for themselves how to balance to walk so a teen needs to work out for themselves how to use their changed body.

Pushing themselves that little bit further each time is necessary for the teen to find out what happens. They need to make mistakes so that they can self-adjust. They need to know just how fast, agile and strong their body is so they can use it appropriately in the future. Not knowing their own limits is potentially much more dangerous.

However some teens also use this phase to ‘prove’ themselves. In today’s competitive society, teens have been brought up to want to be ‘better’ than someone else at something. For some teens this will be in the classroom, others on the sports field or through the performing arts but for some teens none of these avenues are available.

The only way they can prove themselves to be ‘better’ is through some daredevil type of physical activity, where they can show they are braver, can bear more pain or can think up some more elaborate plan. This is where these teens get their feelings of success, their sense of achievement, their sense of self-worth.

The ‘I’m Invincible’ phase is a crucial learning phase; it’s all about taking risks and making judgements about risk. As parents, it’s hard for us to let our teens take risks, we naturally want to protect them, but in attempting to protect them we are in reality often holding them back.

Taking risks is a necessary part of adult life; leaving one job for another, starting a business, asking someone out on a date all require a certain amount of risk. Although the risks in the ‘I’m Invincible’ phase are primarily based in the physical, they give a good foundation for taking risks in the emotional and cognitive realms in the future.

How to Handle the ‘I’m Invincible’ Phase

If at all possible, enrol your teen in a class or organisation where they can test their limits in a relatively safe environment eg sports, dance, scouts/guides, army/navy/air cadets. For those that need to ‘prove’ themselves, give them chores that allow them to show off their new found physical strengths; re-think the chores they do to see if there are some more suited to their abilities. Receiving success, achievement and a sense of self-worth at home reduces the need to look for it elsewhere. Use the language associated with ‘I’m Invincible’ to acknowledge your teen in day-to-day life. Words such as courage, brave, strong, determined, overcome, etc, can also be used to motivate your teen. Examine your own fears; are your fears based on objective, rational information, or have they been exacerbated by other peoples’ stories or news reports. Get the facts not the media hype. Explain your fears to your teen by expressing concern over what others might do. If you express doubt in their abilities you will just make them more determined to prove you wrong. Eg “I don’t want you riding your bike late at night because drivers are more likely to have accidents then” is much more readily received than “I don’t want you riding your bike late at night because you might have an accident”. Do not use evidence of their mistakes to do ‘I told you so’. Recognise mistakes as valuable learning, and then acknowledge the learning as you would any other type of learning.

By: Carol Shepley

About the Author:

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Nobody’s Home asked:


Almost every adult I know drinks coffee, but people tsk tsk me for being a coffee fiend at 17. I began drinking it at 12 with lots of soy milk, and now love straight espresso.

I’m already 5’9 and healthy, so it’s weird that my parents told me to cut back. Are there really, truly honestly reasons why a teen shouldn’t drink coffee?

One thing that I hear over and over from parents is their concern that their teenager is not acting responsibly. In their parenting, they try to explain the importance of responsibility to their teen and work to help them become more responsible, however, they end up feeling frustrated because their teen seems to just not care. Can you relate?

Does your adolescent “forget” to complete their chores, “forget” to do their homework, struggle to wake up on their own or “forget” the time and come home late for their curfew? What is your response as the parent when these things occur? Do you remind them over and over, do you end up doing the chore just so that it gets done? Do you go in their room five times in the morning to keep encouraging them to wake up? If so, it would seem that you are working harder than your teenager.

Why do parents often do these things (if you do them, you are not alone – the majority of parents of teenagers get caught up in caring more than their teen at some point along the way)? It is because doing the right thing or the expected thing is usually more valued by the parent than it is by the teenager. While this is not uncommon, it is also not helpful in getting teenagers to take responsibility for what they need to do. Parents should offer support and guidance in helping their teen become more responsible but should not be acting in a manner in which they are compensating for their teen’s lack of responsibility. Being irresponsible may cause a teenager to feel some discomfort – this is okay. Parents should not feel like they need to protect their child from feeling any discomfort in their lives – that is not reality and part of what teenagers need to experience as they move towards adulthood is the reality of the consequences of making poor decisions.

So – what might you be able to do a little differently that would allow your teenager to feel some discomfort and real life consequences for not taking responsibility? Some scenarios and suggestions might include:

Your teen will not come down from their room for dinner with the family at the usual dinner time – rather than putting aside a plate of food for them, tell them that they can make a sandwich for themselves since they missed dinner.

Your teen consistently wakes up late for school – rather then trying to wake them up over and over and then driving them to school, tell them they will need to walk to school or take a cab with money that will come out of their allowance or spending money they would have had for the weekend. Another intervention may be to take the TV / computer / phone at 8pm at night to encourage that they go to be earlier until they can demonstrate the responsibility of getting up on time.
Your teen consistently tells you at the last minute that they need something for school the next day – rather than rushing around and doing their work for them, tell them that you will help them figure out what they can do about it last minute or tell them they will need to explain to their teacher the next day that they did not plan effectively in this situation.

This new approach can be done in a very loving manner and should not be done sarcastically or punitively. The goal is not to make your adolescent miserable but rather to begin to teach the importance of behaving responsibly. Of course the first couple of times you try responding to your teenager in one of these ways or in a similar way they will react strongly. Why wouldn’t they? They are used to you picking up the slack and protecting them from the uncomfortable feeling they will feel when you respond like this. However, they will learn quickly that you mean business and that you are going to be consistent with your new approach.

You should not be doing all the work for your child once they reach the teenage years. You deserve a break and can make some very simple changes which will give you this break while teaching your teenager to be more responsible. Give it a shot- you will be amazed at how quickly they respond!

By: Karen Vincent

About the Author:

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Jenna T asked:


Okay so I have a bit of a situation, me and my husband have been together for about 3 years, I am 20 and he is 26. He raised his little brother from the time he (my husband) moved out of his parents house. When me and my husband got together his brother chose to go live with his father for awhile, but now he is back with us. He is really not much of a problem, pretty responsible, and not real agressive or anything. But my problem is that my husband expects me to “disipline” and “lay down the law” with his brother. Who happens to only be 2 years younger than me! He often leaves and tells matt(the brother) that I am “in charge” and matt will ask me to go do things…etc and if I call my husband he just tells me to make the decisions… I am not sure if this is my place? Example: Last night I was left “in charge” and matt asked to go to town, I told him yes to be home by 11, well turns out he didn’t even go to the town he told me he was, AND he did not get home on time… Bryan expects me to disipline him on this but I am at a loss of what to do! I do not want to be responsible for a teenager! Any help, suggestions,… etc will really help THANKS

Irish boys help you get lucky! asked:


If your kid is older than 18, did they ever go through a bi or homosexual “phase” and are they in a heterosexual relationship now? Do they have kids of their own? Married?

If you’re the parent of a teenager, has your child’s sexual orientation changed over the last few years, from straight to bi, to back to straight, to gay/lesbian, to bi, to back to straight?

I’m just curious. I’m trying to resolve an argument with someone.
I DONT CARE ABOUT YOUR THOUGHTS ON “PHASES”!! I CARE about people answering the question I asked!

I know about sexual orientation, ok? I’m curious as to trying to get an answer to the debate I’m having. If the question doesn’t apply to you, DON’T ANSWER IT. It’s really not that hard. Or are you all so arrogant as to just like reading your words to every question you can click on and providing useless information that doesn’t even apply to the question?

hookadooka7 asked:


IF SO WHY?

AND WHAT MAKES A GOOD PARENT?
i think they can make great parents, and i dont know who decided that you have to be 25 or older to be good responsible parent…im just trying to figure out some points that i can argue with my friends
so does it all depend on finance?
what about teens who have nothing?
can they still be good parents…even if they cant provide?

1staricy2nite asked:


I’m curious. Because of computers, students today have easy access to incredible amounts of information. Yet, I’ve read that, (until a recent improvement) they were comparitively under par on international test scores. Do any of you (including young people) have an opinion or information on why this is so?
Of course, my question is (mainly) concernining “kids” growing up in the United States, where I live. However, answers stemming from outside the U.S. are also welcome. Thanks for taking the time.
Susan… Interesting to know that people outside the U.S. have these concerns also. Just goes to show…. When it comes to our young ones, we share a common bond, don’t we? (By the way…. England!!! How great! I would so love to see it someday.)
cedarbreeze…. Sorry. Should have mentioned… The article I read was regarding Standard Academic Testing (SAT) International. Americans (high school age, that is) did not rank as highly as expected… compared to other countries.
hplss.rmntc… Flynn Effect? Hmmm… Now I’ve learned something. Have to look into it…. Thanks.
little wahine…. If you are any indication… I’m not so worried. You sound VERY smart…. A+ for your answer.

Parents often say that they just want to understand their teenager better. Wouldn’t you like to know what’s going on inside their heads? Maybe, maybe not! The following are a few tips that I’ve learned in my experience with teenagers. This can be used as a tool to bridge the gap between parents and teenagers, and to keep family ties strong through both the good and the difficult times.

1. Teenagers only want one thing! Can you guess what that is? You may be surprised to learn that the one thing that they truly want is to be loved. Love is the key to a teenager’s heart. If you want their attention, just keep showing them love at every opportunity. Teens are caught in the difficult transition time of being a kid and an adult. We all know that teenage years are tough due to hormonal and developmental changes, but it seems that teens today face far greater challenges than in years past due to the current social and political environment as well. With all of this change, teens develop a deeper need for a “safe place” or a place where they feel loved. It may appear that they only want to be with their friends or closed off in their room, but perhaps those are the places where they feel the most comfort. Love can be demonstrated in many ways. Ask them open-ended questions and then allow them to talk. Be interested in what they have to say and avoid criticism. Spend time with them doing something they like to do. Schedule in family time or one-on-one time.

These things all demonstrate to a teen that you are interested in them and that you love them. Another way to express your love to them is through discipline. Discipline from the perspective that you love them and are concerned for their safety, well-being, etc. Think about the last time your teen got in trouble – what was your approach? Did you approach him/her from a place of love, or did you express anger and frustration? Regardless of how you may feel at that point, it is imperative that you discipline from a state of love. The goal of discipline is to teach. A teenager will not learn the lesson if it is clouded by anger and negative emotions.

2. Teenagers still need parents. This sounds like a rudimentary statement; however, it’s alarming the number of parents who allow their teens to make important decisions that the parent would have made for them differently. This happens because parents want their kids to be happy and they don’t want to force decisions on them that will make them unhappy or angry. As parents, it is important to know that teens will respect your decisions, even when they don’t agree, if (and only if) the situation is presented to them in an open and positive manner. Give your teens the opportunity to express themselves and explain their feelings. This opens up the lines of communication and lets them know you respect them and care about their feelings. Even if the decision is not theirs to make, talking through the process can help lead them to a place where they feel more comfortable with your decision and the reasons behind it. Many times a compromise can be reached that will satisfy the needs and concerns of both the parent and the teen. This allows the teen to be a part of the decision-making process, while maintaining good quality control by the parent.

3. Teenagers model their parents. Most teens don’t even realize that they model their parents’ habits and behaviors. Parents are the single most important role model a teen has, which can be both positive and negative. How you handle challenges, how you treat others, how you eat, how you speak, how you feel about yourself – - all of these things and more are what your teens are learning from you every day. Understanding this will help you stay on track, while allowing yourself the opportunities for personal development. Parents of teens tend to put their kids’ personal development as a priority above their own. There is no better way to teach your teens good values and demonstrate positive modeling than to be constantly working on yourself. Things such as living a healthy lifestyle, actively helping others, attending seminars, reading to learn new things, working on your marriage or other relationships, and treating people with respect are all good examples of how adults can work on themselves. Teens will see these things and learn valuable lessons that will help shape their beliefs and core values. As they grow older they will emulate these behavior patterns that have been modeled for them. The result is a win-win: the parents get the benefit of making their personal needs a priority and the teenager will model and learn the value of working towards making yourself a better, more complete person.

4. Teenagers want to make their parents proud. With all of the crazy things teenagers do at times, it is sometimes hard to believe that they are even remotely interested in making their parents proud. These actions and behaviors come from somewhere, and the source can be as different from one child as it is from another, but many times the bad behavior or poor choices can be linked back to a deep need for attention. If a teen feels that they can’t make their parents proud or get attention in a positive way, they will find a way to get some form of attention, even if it is negative. Subconsciously, this meets that need for attention. So, the next time your teen behaves poorly or makes a bad decision, try to talk to them and find out what is really bothering them. If this hasn’t been your style of discipline in the past, it may take a while (several encounters) before the teen feels comfortable talking in that situation. The key here is consistency. Once the child sees that this is the way problems are now handled, he/she will start to open up and let you in a little at a time. And again, remember to talk to them out of love for who they are, rather than anger or frustration at what they’ve done. They want to make you proud. Praise them at every opportunity when they do something right, and encourage them with pride when you know they are working hard on something. If they are encouraged and positively reinforced to do the right things, they will be more likely to do more of those right things to make you proud of them. Ultimately, the result is less of the bad decisions and more of the right decisions.

5. Teenagers need responsibility. If a child doesn’t learn how to handle responsibility as a teenager when they have guidance from their parents, how will they know what to do once they become an adult and no one is there to help them? Responsibility can be learned in small steps over long periods of time. By giving your teen opportunities to be responsible, you show them that you trust them, which builds their self-confidence. In return, your child will be developing the skills necessary for adulthood. What is your most comprehensive goal as a parent? Is it merely surviving the teenage years until they reach adulthood? Developing your teen into a responsible adult is one of the most important goals you can set for yourself. All you have to do is take a look around you at the many irresponsible adults and the impact that these people have on our society to realize that this world doesn’t need more irresponsible people! Maintaining your focus on this ultimate goal of responsibility will allow for the greater growth and development of your child. And the good news is, when your child is becoming more and more responsible, obedience naturally follows. Your teen wants you to be proud of them and will respond to the positive reinforcement as they achieve higher levels of responsibility.

Naturally, some of the above statements overlap. Parenting is a full-time job with a myriad of success strategies and potential outcomes. If you are already practicing one or all of these things, congratulations – you are on the right track! It is important to realize that reading and learning new information will do nothing for you if it is not acted upon. I challenge you to turn this knowledge into results-producing action for yourself and for the teenager in your life. I do hope this information is helpful for you and you are able to incorporate it into your lives easily and effectively. Best wishes to you as you help create a positive future for our young people.

By: Richelle Braun

About the Author:

[carpwp:amazon{parenting teenagers}][/carpwp]

…. asked:


Maybe you guys will listen to me. My fiance has a daughter, she’s just turned 17. And I have no idea how to parent her. And she’s completely resisting me and her father. And I don’t suppose it helps that she’s scared. But is there any advice for me, even though we might not get to see her as we like?
She hasn’t got a mother.

1on1Parenting asked:

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