Q. My daughter has gotten very good at manipulating us, and sometimes we do not even know it has happened until much later. How can we tell if we are being manipulated, and how can we stop it, or at least handle it better?

A. Here’s the thing about teens and manipulation:

The average 15-year-old is 15 going on 25 and 15 going on 5 all at the same time.

What this means is they combine the verbal ability and “wisdom” of the 15-going-on-25-year-old with the “I want what I want when I want it which is NOW! and I will make you pay if you say no” of the 15-going-on-5-year-old and come up with some very powerful manipulation.

For now, all you need to know is that if you think you are being manipulated, you probably are, and not only that, you probably already have been.

Trust your “parenting gut.” If you get an uneasy feeling about what is happening, that can be an indication that manipulation is going on.

Some other ways to tell if teens are manipulating:

=>Behavior does not match words

=>Stories either don’t match what you know, keep changing, just don’t make sense, or some combination of these three indicators.

Here are some things you can do:

One of the very best defenses against manipulation is to let your “yes” mean “yes” and let your “no” mean “no.”

If you say no at first, and your teen keeps asking you and asking you over and over, and then you give in and say yes, you have taught them that your no does not mean no.

What makes it even worse is that you have taught them that no really means

“I just haven’t bugged my parent enough to get to yes.”

And each and every teen I have ever known is more than up to that challenge.

Another way to look at this is a concept I call “Concrete Parenting.”

Have you ever walked through a concrete wall?

Of course not.

But what if one day you slipped and fell into a concrete wall and went through without any harm?

Human nature would say that you would be much more likely to try it again.

It’s the same way with parenting. If kids get it that trying to bug and manipulate you is like running into a concrete wall, eventually they are going to get tired of getting their head all bloody and stop.

Let me make two predictions about what will happen as you try to change your responses to your daughter’s manipulation.

Prediction One: It won’t work. At least not at first. This is because for a while now, your daughter has had it made. She is not going to welcome any changes that you are making. She will try to get you to change back. So you have to resolve to keep at it, no matter the resistance you get.

Hang in there, it’s worth it, for both of you.

Prediction Two: For a while, you will still get manipulated. It will go something like this:

First, you will not realize you have been manipulated until after it has already happened.

Next, you will begin to notice it while it is happening, and be able to take corrective action.

Then finally, you will see it coming, and be able to cut it off before it gets going.

By: Jeff Herring

About the Author:

Being a single parent inherently comes with challenges. As a counselor, often single parents ask what mistakes they need to avoid when parenting their teenager. Many single parents are concerned about any consequences of their divorce that could negatively affect their teenager. Here are some common mistakes to avoid:

Mistake 1: Lying to them

Honesty is always best, especially when parenting teenagers. First, today’s teenagers are quite savvy and know when they are being conned. Also, dishonesty only destroys trust, which is something that is needed most during this transitional time.

Mistake 2: Avoiding discipline

Wherever there is a lack of any discipline, there is manipulation. Dictionary.com provides this definition of discipline, “Training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement.” Notice the emphasis on improved character rather than punishment.

Mistake 3: Eliminate any structure or routine

Divorce is a transitional time for everyone involved. Each person’s routine is adversely affected. A structured home environment filled with routines and chores provides a sense of order and ownership. This is beneficial particularly if there is chaos resulting from the divorce.

Mistake 4: Forget about them

As a single parent, you are forced to wear many hats and fill many different roles – often simultaneously. In addition, you are in the midst of trying to provide a stable home environment, work full time, and recover from the emotional adjustment of a being a single parent. In the midst of this, I encourage you to find some time to be intentional on spending time with your teenager on a regular basis. Help them to see that you are available to them, and concerned about any needs they may have.

Mistake 5: Continue fighting with your former spouse

If a marital relationship has been turbulent, then many teenagers anticipate a divorce will bring about a much needed sense of peace. However, if conflict continues after divorce has been finalized then your teenager may experience some emotional difficulty adjusting to the divorce. As much as you are able, try to keep any discussions with your former spouse cordial and focused on your teenager.

Mistake 6: Don’t get them any outside help

Divorce can affect teenagers in many different ways. Some may open up emotionally and sharing their feelings freely. However, others may withdraw from family and friends and become reclusive. Others may enter into some behavioral problems that may have not been there before. If you have any concerns about how your teenager is recovering from the divorce then I encourage you to seek out a qualified professional counselor.

Mistake 7: Assuming nothing is wrong

Another common parenting mistake is to assume that your teenager has been completely untouched by the divorce. There lives seem undisturbed as if the divorce is a minor incident in the tapestry of their lives. And this is true for many teenagers. However, there are others that will give the appearance that all is well, when in fact the opposite is the case. They may do this to save face for them, or they can react this way to give their parents one less thing to worry about. Communicate with your teenager on an ongoing basis about his/her feelings about their new life and its challenges.



By: Terre Grable

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